struggles are a common theme in my life lately.
gosh life was so much simpler, say three, four weeks ago.
fighting the urge to overindulge
trying not to procrastinate!!!! thats a biggie
giving it hell to resist.... but its freakin irresistible
doing my best to care and actually try
battling my natural laziness & stubbornness
not giving in to even the smallest temptations
facing reality despite my denial
convincing myself it will work out for the best
dont subject myself to fuck it and give up
working to get over it
knowing i am not alone, or that im alone with other people
believing it will play out and pay off in the end
not succumbing to my feelings of cynicism and pessimism of late
overcoming my reluctance & hesitance AND just do it
stay away from drama, though it always finds a way to suck me in, even when its not my own
not having false hopes and beat myself over nothing
dont be a masochist
connect with my emotions albeit my heartless
have more faith and find a deeper meaning
ignoring the tendency to belittle myself
not resorting to those oh so guilty pleasures so often
knowing whats good & bad for me no matter my desires
&&& ultimately be more optimistic and confident regardless of what the hell has gotten over me recently
wow all this babbling.... i realize i was much happier a month ago
stress free, no boys, having family time, giving myself space, when friends were my life,
working hard, playing harder,
& enjoying life
what has this come too?
if you read this, im sorry
its depressing. well to me it is.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
near death experience
AP exams are comin up quick!
freakin euro scares the shitt outta me. i should get down & busy absorbing all the info starting like NOW. but i know im not until the very last possible second, and my brain would explode from the cramming and overloading on the 1000+ info. well at least i have george's ap book thing. irrevelant to the title, but it might as well kill me
the real story begins (warning: unnecessary info)
so last night, i went to stevens house with lauren and carrie to have real mexican burritos, they were huge! im suprised i finished. then we went to bella, haha lauren sat in the car seat X)
we watched 17 again with marian, doughie, vivian & tiffany. dude, the movie was amazing, i didnt expect it to be that good, and zac effron! dont get me started. i always thought he was insanely overrated, but he is so fucking hot. DAMN, and he can act. for reals. but that movie was soo hilarious and so ORGASMIC <3,,
me and lauren were hyperventalating. it was moving too, it made me tear, and a lot people cry, especially tiffany who was bawling.
we got mad cuz we wanted to sneak into Hannah Montana, but it wasnt on the same side, so we just stood there deciding what to do. then john came, and he didnt have a ticket or anything, so i went to go get him, but he ended up just walking in -___- he wasnt checked or anything! it was that easy.
well we all went out, and turns out everyone, and i mean EVERYONE was fucking there. it was annoying, i thought no one liked bella, but like everyone from FV was there. it was crazy. i wont drop names, but like that group, and this group, and druggies who freaking annoyed me with their smoking, and awkward group, and nerds, and a whole lotta asians.
OMG
so me and lauren went to buca to say hi to her mom and uncle. we got some free cake. on the way there, we j walked, cuz the street light was broken. i almost got ran over. and on the way BACK. we ran, and i was in my boots, and i slid about liek 6 feet, and as i was falling backwards, i somehow jumped foward on to the curb! it was amazing. it was hilarious. what an adreneline rush, and it felt good. ahah my animal instincts saved my life.
then while we were trying to figure out what movie to see, matt was being a retard and kalani was there. i went to johnny rockets then came back to see if a decision was made. so marian vivan and john bought hannah montana tickets. they were supposed to sneak me in. but they didnt, so i just walked in (: hahah it was cool.
&& hannah montana was way better than i expected, marian cried. aha. and people got up and did the hoedwon, we clapped like a concert, and i took out the lighter on my itouch and started waving it (: the principal in 17 again (kinky dork lady ahah) was mileys dads love interest! whoaa
our group had split up cuz matt drove them to nickel nickel, but tiffany came back to us. and we chilled at starbucks. then i went to her house and had meaningful conversations.
more ramblingg
i thought i was over it. seriously. i wasnt that into it to begin with, and believe me, i didnt want to. at all. but for it to have this much of an impact, i cant deny it. i cant do anything. its not mine. and i want its happiness. i wanna know ive grown, and am not subconsciously sabatoging it, as i think i kinda am. D: i know im better than that, i have self control. i hope. please. im starting to doubt it though. ive already done it before. but i cant resist, i cant help it. im a bad person. but im going to try my damn hardest not to do anything. omg, why am i freaking out about this? it doesnt matter taht much to mee. whyy?!? make it stop!
only those who really knows whtas going on understand that.
freakin euro scares the shitt outta me. i should get down & busy absorbing all the info starting like NOW. but i know im not until the very last possible second, and my brain would explode from the cramming and overloading on the 1000+ info. well at least i have george's ap book thing. irrevelant to the title, but it might as well kill me
the real story begins (warning: unnecessary info)
so last night, i went to stevens house with lauren and carrie to have real mexican burritos, they were huge! im suprised i finished. then we went to bella, haha lauren sat in the car seat X)
we watched 17 again with marian, doughie, vivian & tiffany. dude, the movie was amazing, i didnt expect it to be that good, and zac effron! dont get me started. i always thought he was insanely overrated, but he is so fucking hot. DAMN, and he can act. for reals. but that movie was soo hilarious and so ORGASMIC <3,,
me and lauren were hyperventalating. it was moving too, it made me tear, and a lot people cry, especially tiffany who was bawling.
we got mad cuz we wanted to sneak into Hannah Montana, but it wasnt on the same side, so we just stood there deciding what to do. then john came, and he didnt have a ticket or anything, so i went to go get him, but he ended up just walking in -___- he wasnt checked or anything! it was that easy.
well we all went out, and turns out everyone, and i mean EVERYONE was fucking there. it was annoying, i thought no one liked bella, but like everyone from FV was there. it was crazy. i wont drop names, but like that group, and this group, and druggies who freaking annoyed me with their smoking, and awkward group, and nerds, and a whole lotta asians.
OMG
so me and lauren went to buca to say hi to her mom and uncle. we got some free cake. on the way there, we j walked, cuz the street light was broken. i almost got ran over. and on the way BACK. we ran, and i was in my boots, and i slid about liek 6 feet, and as i was falling backwards, i somehow jumped foward on to the curb! it was amazing. it was hilarious. what an adreneline rush, and it felt good. ahah my animal instincts saved my life.
then while we were trying to figure out what movie to see, matt was being a retard and kalani was there. i went to johnny rockets then came back to see if a decision was made. so marian vivan and john bought hannah montana tickets. they were supposed to sneak me in. but they didnt, so i just walked in (: hahah it was cool.
&& hannah montana was way better than i expected, marian cried. aha. and people got up and did the hoedwon, we clapped like a concert, and i took out the lighter on my itouch and started waving it (: the principal in 17 again (kinky dork lady ahah) was mileys dads love interest! whoaa
our group had split up cuz matt drove them to nickel nickel, but tiffany came back to us. and we chilled at starbucks. then i went to her house and had meaningful conversations.
more ramblingg
i thought i was over it. seriously. i wasnt that into it to begin with, and believe me, i didnt want to. at all. but for it to have this much of an impact, i cant deny it. i cant do anything. its not mine. and i want its happiness. i wanna know ive grown, and am not subconsciously sabatoging it, as i think i kinda am. D: i know im better than that, i have self control. i hope. please. im starting to doubt it though. ive already done it before. but i cant resist, i cant help it. im a bad person. but im going to try my damn hardest not to do anything. omg, why am i freaking out about this? it doesnt matter taht much to mee. whyy?!? make it stop!
only those who really knows whtas going on understand that.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
the future freaks me out
yea, i must be weird because i am.
like everyone i know is looking forward to growing up & leaving home. idk, maybe it shows how spoiled i am, i like being a pampered, protected child.
the independence doesnt scare me exactly, its making it on your own & the possibility that things do not turn out according to what you planned at all, making mistakes that COUNT and affect your life on a much greater scale than its ever have before. being a responsible adult, no mommy & daddy D: to lean on. making decisons that you have to own up to for the rest of your life. thats what terrifys me. i get scared easily, i know. i have this whole elaborate plan of how i picture my life and how i want it to be, but you dont always get what you want and thats what im afraid of. i dont want to be stuck in the bottomless pit drowning in my own misery, even though everything was done right, but something had gone terribly, horribly wrong.
what has brought out my cynism and pestimism ramblings? its all this college talk, the SAT stuff, what are you goign to do in the future, especially since were starting that unit in spanish XP
i work hard regardign my education, and it would suck if it didnt pay off. junior year, i would have to buckle down even more & try even harder since it counts more than ever. and that stresses me out like crazy. im going crazy.
on a lighter note, returning back to school wasnt as bad as i expected. BORING. but whats new with that.
youre no good for me. not htat youre not good. its just bad for me .
but its fun having that feeling, knowing that, but being unable to resist it.
i havent felt like that in the longest time, and its a breathe of fresh air and i know its going nowhere. well im pretty sure im over it now. oh well...
i was watching american idol last night, it was movie theme. kris allen sang falling slowly from the movie once. its a little film. i remember watching the oscars two years ago and that song beat out 3 enchanted songs. i was mad, so i didnt pay attention to the performance. but i fell in love with it last night. well not really. it was just really touching.
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
like everyone i know is looking forward to growing up & leaving home. idk, maybe it shows how spoiled i am, i like being a pampered, protected child.
the independence doesnt scare me exactly, its making it on your own & the possibility that things do not turn out according to what you planned at all, making mistakes that COUNT and affect your life on a much greater scale than its ever have before. being a responsible adult, no mommy & daddy D: to lean on. making decisons that you have to own up to for the rest of your life. thats what terrifys me. i get scared easily, i know. i have this whole elaborate plan of how i picture my life and how i want it to be, but you dont always get what you want and thats what im afraid of. i dont want to be stuck in the bottomless pit drowning in my own misery, even though everything was done right, but something had gone terribly, horribly wrong.
what has brought out my cynism and pestimism ramblings? its all this college talk, the SAT stuff, what are you goign to do in the future, especially since were starting that unit in spanish XP
i work hard regardign my education, and it would suck if it didnt pay off. junior year, i would have to buckle down even more & try even harder since it counts more than ever. and that stresses me out like crazy. im going crazy.
on a lighter note, returning back to school wasnt as bad as i expected. BORING. but whats new with that.
youre no good for me. not htat youre not good. its just bad for me .
but its fun having that feeling, knowing that, but being unable to resist it.
i havent felt like that in the longest time, and its a breathe of fresh air and i know its going nowhere. well im pretty sure im over it now. oh well...
i was watching american idol last night, it was movie theme. kris allen sang falling slowly from the movie once. its a little film. i remember watching the oscars two years ago and that song beat out 3 enchanted songs. i was mad, so i didnt pay attention to the performance. but i fell in love with it last night. well not really. it was just really touching.
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Technically, spring break is over D:
it says so on our school calendars, the end is april 10th
wednesday i went to boiling crabb with tphan and those kids.
brandon says i sound, talk, and eat liek cpham. hes probably somewhat right, weve known each other for a long time. i love my crawfish. but it was only MILD but super spicy, my jaw tingled and became numb from the spiciness. my tongue's nerve endings probably didnt enjoy it.
thennn me, tphan, brandon, daniel, catdo, and jaqueline went to cue and took photostickers, wow i am so asian. ): and went to tastetees
thursday, went to westmall with dad & sis, sa
w my cousins, nina & christian, cool kiddos, and tphan. bought my dress & marians present for the next day.then spent 7 hours with marian & becky, 6 of those at mainplace & cerritos finding her a dress for her bdayy -_- we found NOTHING at mainplace
and turns out she bought 2 dresses. love herr though <33.
friday, did laundry, steven and lauren came over to get ready. mom came home from colorado <33,
we went to chipotle, arrived at the hilton earlier than everyone else (stupid marian :P) sat outside the ballroom cuz we thought it was locked (my bad), explored, blew up nasty shit tasting balloons, and ate. the chocolate fountain was heavennn. i didnt know how to eat the brie, cuz i aint fancy enough.
me and tiff had a cycle: eat, camerawhore, socialize, dance. then it just turned out to be dance, rest our feet (dancin in heels suckeddd), water, dance.
i freakin got cakeddd baddd, but marian got cakedd super worsee.
lauren, vivian, tiffany, chad, judd, & john made my nightt
oh and judds little bro is cool. haha
then i watched george lopez til 230 haha
adn today, well its homework catch up time so i can chillax tmrw
im chinky in all my pictures! X)
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Darn, spring break is almost overr &
its only wednesday ):
i havent been on the computer lately, cuz on friday my daddy bought me my promised long overdue itouch!! (: this is my baby now.
i have a bad reputation with technology, i always either break or loose stuff, so i only got the 8G cuz my dad doesnt trust me. hehe, i still love him though <33 .
on saturday, was cathy's 16th birthday at the beach.
me, andy and tphan kicked it at west mall before we went.
OMGG, it was soo embarrassing at rubys, no offense, but dont these kids know how to behave in public & have the common courtesy??? it was MORTIFYING, almost a freakin disgrace. thank god, i wasnt the only one who felt that way.
well me & andy had to walk nearly 3 miles trying to find a way to get inside the hyatt cuz its all fenced off from the beach. and the party was DRAMA FILLED, & to tell you the truth, it totally bombed badly. cuz you know with these kids, you cant expect much. love cathy though (:
on monday, i went to andys to hanng. haah we had some fun. OMGG i painted this picturee of audrey hepburn! by myself! im quite proud of it (:
except when andy tried to "help" me, he effin ruined it. ):
went to the beach yesterday with carrie, her lover and his cousin. the water wasss super cold. i had sharp pains in my legs, my toes were numb, i was shivering and had a ton of goose bumps. freakinnn crazy. i heard its supposed to rain.
my moms in colorado on a business trip, & my dads taking thursday off to take me to the DMV to get my permit. but i havent finished my classes yet ): cuz i cant get off my ass and do anything productive during break, so hes going to talk me to the mall to get a dress for marian's big birthday bash @ the hilton (: and to get her an extravegant gift. damn so last minute, dude its the DAY AFTER! sooo excited for it, theres gonna be a TON of people. Boiling crab today with tphan & those kids yupp
i havent been on the computer lately, cuz on friday my daddy bought me my promised long overdue itouch!! (: this is my baby now.
i have a bad reputation with technology, i always either break or loose stuff, so i only got the 8G cuz my dad doesnt trust me. hehe, i still love him though <33 .
on saturday, was cathy's 16th birthday at the beach.
me, andy and tphan kicked it at west mall before we went.
OMGG, it was soo embarrassing at rubys, no offense, but dont these kids know how to behave in public & have the common courtesy??? it was MORTIFYING, almost a freakin disgrace. thank god, i wasnt the only one who felt that way.
well me & andy had to walk nearly 3 miles trying to find a way to get inside the hyatt cuz its all fenced off from the beach. and the party was DRAMA FILLED, & to tell you the truth, it totally bombed badly. cuz you know with these kids, you cant expect much. love cathy though (:
on monday, i went to andys to hanng. haah we had some fun. OMGG i painted this picturee of audrey hepburn! by myself! im quite proud of it (:except when andy tried to "help" me, he effin ruined it. ):
went to the beach yesterday with carrie, her lover and his cousin. the water wasss super cold. i had sharp pains in my legs, my toes were numb, i was shivering and had a ton of goose bumps. freakinnn crazy. i heard its supposed to rain.
my moms in colorado on a business trip, & my dads taking thursday off to take me to the DMV to get my permit. but i havent finished my classes yet ): cuz i cant get off my ass and do anything productive during break, so hes going to talk me to the mall to get a dress for marian's big birthday bash @ the hilton (: and to get her an extravegant gift. damn so last minute, dude its the DAY AFTER! sooo excited for it, theres gonna be a TON of people. Boiling crab today with tphan & those kids yupp
Thursday, April 2, 2009
REVIVAL
i was rummaging through my email, procrastinating like always
and i found my blogspot! :O
i looked through it, and started reminiscing about last year & things,
and it prompted me to update this so i can loook back at it & think
wow, ive changed & grown (or not), did i seriously think about that?, have the memories of how my days went come flowing back & what not.
one of my new years resolutions was to keep a blog, or diary of some sort, & i believe 09 is still young! so i need to make a habit of updating this, but manage my time because i win the medal for the BIGGEST PROCRASTINATOR. im supposed to be studying for chem right now.
who knows, maybe this will have some emotional effect on me, help me get in touch with my feelings as a first step to connect with people. i certainly hope it will.
so i doubt many people would read this, and quite frankly, it doesnt matter to me. this is my vent, my outlet to get my thoughts out. & i apologize if you do read this and its nonsense.
OH MY! look at how much i ramble. thats what i have twitter for -_-
oh yea, so apparrently you can follow people now... i havent been on for over half a year! wow! but they havent had any new templates :P
and i found my blogspot! :O
i looked through it, and started reminiscing about last year & things,
and it prompted me to update this so i can loook back at it & think
wow, ive changed & grown (or not), did i seriously think about that?, have the memories of how my days went come flowing back & what not.
one of my new years resolutions was to keep a blog, or diary of some sort, & i believe 09 is still young! so i need to make a habit of updating this, but manage my time because i win the medal for the BIGGEST PROCRASTINATOR. im supposed to be studying for chem right now.
who knows, maybe this will have some emotional effect on me, help me get in touch with my feelings as a first step to connect with people. i certainly hope it will.
so i doubt many people would read this, and quite frankly, it doesnt matter to me. this is my vent, my outlet to get my thoughts out. & i apologize if you do read this and its nonsense.
OH MY! look at how much i ramble. thats what i have twitter for -_-
oh yea, so apparrently you can follow people now... i havent been on for over half a year! wow! but they havent had any new templates :P
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