yea, i must be weird because i am.
like everyone i know is looking forward to growing up & leaving home. idk, maybe it shows how spoiled i am, i like being a pampered, protected child.
the independence doesnt scare me exactly, its making it on your own & the possibility that things do not turn out according to what you planned at all, making mistakes that COUNT and affect your life on a much greater scale than its ever have before. being a responsible adult, no mommy & daddy D: to lean on. making decisons that you have to own up to for the rest of your life. thats what terrifys me. i get scared easily, i know. i have this whole elaborate plan of how i picture my life and how i want it to be, but you dont always get what you want and thats what im afraid of. i dont want to be stuck in the bottomless pit drowning in my own misery, even though everything was done right, but something had gone terribly, horribly wrong.
what has brought out my cynism and pestimism ramblings? its all this college talk, the SAT stuff, what are you goign to do in the future, especially since were starting that unit in spanish XP
i work hard regardign my education, and it would suck if it didnt pay off. junior year, i would have to buckle down even more & try even harder since it counts more than ever. and that stresses me out like crazy. im going crazy.
on a lighter note, returning back to school wasnt as bad as i expected. BORING. but whats new with that.
youre no good for me. not htat youre not good. its just bad for me .
but its fun having that feeling, knowing that, but being unable to resist it.
i havent felt like that in the longest time, and its a breathe of fresh air and i know its going nowhere. well im pretty sure im over it now. oh well...
i was watching american idol last night, it was movie theme. kris allen sang falling slowly from the movie once. its a little film. i remember watching the oscars two years ago and that song beat out 3 enchanted songs. i was mad, so i didnt pay attention to the performance. but i fell in love with it last night. well not really. it was just really touching.
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
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