internal

struggles are a common theme in my life lately.
gosh life was so much simpler, say three, four weeks ago.

fighting the urge to overindulge
trying not to procrastinate!!!! thats a biggie
giving it hell to resist.... but its freakin irresistible
doing my best to care and actually try
battling my natural laziness & stubbornness
not giving in to even the smallest temptations
facing reality despite my denial
convincing myself it will work out for the best
dont subject myself to fuck it and give up
working to get over it
knowing i am not alone, or that im alone with other people
believing it will play out and pay off in the end
not succumbing to my feelings of cynicism and pessimism of late
overcoming my reluctance & hesitance AND just do it
stay away from drama, though it always finds a way to suck me in, even when its not my own
not having false hopes and beat myself over nothing
dont be a masochist
connect with my emotions albeit my heartless
have more faith and find a deeper meaning
ignoring the tendency to belittle myself
not resorting to those oh so guilty pleasures so often
knowing whats good & bad for me no matter my desires
&&& ultimately be more optimistic and confident regardless of what the hell has gotten over me recently

wow all this babbling.... i realize i was much happier a month ago
stress free, no boys, having family time, giving myself space, when friends were my life,
working hard, playing harder,
& enjoying life
what has this come too?
if you read this, im sorry
its depressing. well to me it is.